Loved

Dear friends and family,

Thank you for making me feel so loved these past few days. So many of you have gone out of your way to call, text, email or write a note to just say that you care, to check in on me, to offer advice or to just make sure that I'm holding it together okay.

Let me tell you, it means the world.

I know not everyone would be so open about such a private issue, but that is how I cope, for better or worse. I open up about the hard times (and the easy times) for no other reason than I think holding it in might literally kill me (I can't be sure, I've never tried). So to all of you who let me open up, thank you. I am so blessed to have such an amazing, supportive group of people everywhere I turn.

Love all of you :)

T

Getting Back to Normal: A Post About Hair

It seems as though Cecilia's hair has gone through some changes in the past few weeks. Some areas by her forehead have (sadly) broken off resulting in styles that won't last as long as they once did, the back is getting so long that it looks a wee bit scary after only a couple of days, and it seems to be getting drier by the day...that silky soft baby hair is on its way out!

It's time to start changing things up I think. While the baby fro is adorable, I just don't think we can play that card for much longer. I tried to do puff ponytails on her a while back, but her hair was just too short to really make it work for more than a few hours....

It's grown so much since then that I could probably get away with doing just three ponytails with plenty of length on each so they won't fall out super easily. I tried a variation on this idea today. There is a lot going on with this new look, but I'm going to monitor it and see what works so we can keep adapting. We might be entering puff zone for awhile until her hair grows back in the front and we both have the patience again to sit and do styles like this!

Lots of love from Brother today. She doesn't have time for hugs, but that didn't stop him from trying :)

Defeat

Today I feel defeated. Not because of what happened exactly, but because of its lingering effect on me. I spent years stressing about infertility and I can honestly say that I was OVER it. I truly didn't care anymore. I accepted my fate. I was happy.

I feel like I've been transported back to 2010, to a time I never wanted to think about again much less revisit. Yet here I sit, wondering why this all happened, wondering what I could have done to fix it, what I can do in the future to fix it, spending way too much time "researching" online. Will it be another year before I see another positive test? Two years? Ever?

Do I even care?

It appears I lied yesterday when I said all it took was a few hours to get over it. I'm not in hysterics over here, but it's definitely on my mind and probably will be for a bit. I just have to try to get back to normal and hope that I can get back to that place where I just didn't care. I don't want to be angry or sad about it. I don't want to be anything about it, exactly how I was a week ago.

I have hope I can accomplish this....Cecilia getting up super early only to cry about everything and anything and then puke all over me is really helping me to be happy with just two little yahoos :)

5 beans

I'm putting this out there because I've been pretty open about my fertility woes and today I have a doozy to share (besides, most people who read this probably already know anyways).

I was supposed to have a procedure done on Thursday to try figuring out some of my reflux problems so on Wednesday night I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure. I have a history of being addicted to pregnancy tests (seriously, they are my drug) and while my addiction has much less of a pull on me these days I still pee on those little sticks every so often...just to be sure. Well, for the first time in years it was a big, bold positive. Four tests at home and blood work confirmed it to to be true. Unfortunately, the blood test also confirmed that my progesterone was dangerously, ridiculously, comically low. I got on supplements right away, but to no avail. Without having more blood work done, I can say with confidence that I am pregnant no longer.

So here are my positive spins:

1) I got to see a positive pregnancy test, which I figured I would never see again. That's a serious win. I looked at those tests about a thousand times, relishing in their meaning. They made me feel a little less defective as a human being.

2) I know that all it takes for me to get emotionally over a miscarriage is a few hours now. Practice makes perfect, right?

3) Similar to the others, we only had a few days to be excited. For that I am eternally thankful. If it's going to end anyway, might as well have it end quickly. Bandaid style.

4) I now have a 10 day supply of progesterone supplements so if I ever do get pregnant again I can start dosing up immediately and not have to wait on test results to get rolling.

5) We now know how we really feel about having three kids, which is about the same as it was before so this experience was kind of unnecessary in figuring that out, but whatever. Bottom line is that we will welcome another baby happily and with open arms, but hell if I'm going to invite this bull shit in on purpose. If it knocks on our door again, we'll answer and leave it at that.

So there are my top 5 positive spins on what was a completely useless experience. One for each little bean we never got to meet.

I love each of you, wish I could have met you, wish I could have figured out how to help you thrive, wish this number would stop climbing. Maybe you're all together somewhere rooting for the next one? Maybe we'll meet in another life.

Cue up the tears, one final time.

This and that

I hate to admit defeat, but no dietary changes seem to be enough to fix the problem I have with acid reflux. As irritating as that fact is, I can no longer just ignore it so tomorrow I'm going to swallow a tiny camera for a doctor and let him look at my guts. I'm nervous for the procedure and more so for the results. 

Mostly I'm looking forward to a free pass to nap the afternoon away after it's over.

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I'm still very much immersed in indecision about where to send Simon to school next year. There are so many things to consider. We are touring our public school option on Friday morning so hopefully that will help sway me one way or another. Bryan has his mind made up I think, but I'm not so sure yet. I make up my mind every day, then change it with my whole heart the next day. Then back again.

In the meantime, Simon will continue to just be a happy 4Ker right where he's at and I will continue to worry myself silly until a decision is made.

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A couple of my friends are going down to working part-time soon and I'm really happy for them. They've been on my mind a lot!

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The kids' doctor is on medical leave right now so we had to cancel their 1 and 5 year check ups. I'm hoping he is back in the office soon, for his sake and ours! I want to know exactly what she weighs at exactly 1 year. Such is life. 

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When Simon eats sandwiches with any kind of nut butter on it he winds up looking like the Joker. 

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Cecilia has been rocking headbands all week and her hair was out of control. It seriously looked crazy.  Don't believe me? See for yourself:

She might kill me for posting that picture one day. Ha.

It's amazing what a wash and a few twists can do though! The headbands just seem to do damage, unfortunately. The good news is I'm getting faster at doing her hair. It took less than an hour to give her a bath, detangle and moisturize her hair, twist it up, feed her a bottle and get her to bed for a nap!

{Yes, she is talking on the phone. Sooo cute!}

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That's all I got!

Top 10

A friend and I were texting about our Top 3 things we like to do to relax (when we are off of mom duty). She and another friend both blogged their full Top 10 lists so I thought I would follow suit!

In no particular order...

1. Wander around Target all by myself with no time constraints.
2. Watch TV shows with Bryan after the kids go to bed.
3. Go for walks with family or friends.
4. Take and edit photos (and blog them!).
5. Go to the movies (especially in the summer...I love walk into blazing heat after being in a cold movie theater).
6. Drink Starbucks (I really, really need to learn how to make an equivalent product at home).
7. Take super hot showers in the winter.
8. Read about real food, talk about real food, cook real food and eat real food (Starbucks is exempt of course). 
9. Talk, text, email, etc. I like to communicate with people. Often. Just ask my phone bill. There are about 13 people in my life with whom I touch base with very regularly, at least half of which I talk to or text with nearly every day. It's a wonder I get anything accomplished (and perhaps the reason there are many days when I don't actually get all that much accomplished).
10. Listen to books (not to be confused with reading books with my eyes). 

And in contrast, here is my Top 5 list of things other people do to relax or have fun that would stress me out, make me anxious or just plain not interest me...

1. Take a bath. If it's not a hot tub, I'm not interested. Maybe I've never had a good bath setup but I spend the whole time trying to get comfortable rather than relaxing.
2. Road trips. They sound fun, but I'm maxed out around 4-5 hours and will only subject myself to even this far once or twice a year. Whenever we drive anywhere that's more than a few minutes away I daydream about not being a muggle and being able to apparate Harry Potter style. That'd be awesome.
3. Go to a bar. You want to see me physically uncomfortable? Take me to a crowded bar and tell me to try to find a spot and order drinks. Thinking about it stresses me out.
4. Read a book. Unless I'm on vacation, I cannot relax enough to read a book with my eyes. Even on vacation, I think I'd rather lay there with my eyes closed and have someone read the book to me (I'm just that lazy I guess).
5. Go to Brewers games. I straight up do NOT get the appeal. Once in a while for conversation, maybe? I'm not against going to see any professional sports, but baseball eludes me. 

I wonder how many of you would love the things on my least favorite list and vice versa. Luckily we really don't have to agree on any of this to still be friends...our differences make the world go round, right? :)

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.

Our baby is a year old and what a beautiful year it has been. As far as a baby's first year goes, she takes the cake. For the most part she has always eaten well, slept well, pooped well and has never really cried for no apparent reason. What more could you possibly ask for out of a baby? Plus she's cute, so really, we hit the baby jackpot if you ask me!

Every minute of every day isn't always peaches and sunshine and rainbows, of course. For example, I'm trying to block out our midnight rendezvous from the other night (and a couple other nights this week) and her increasingly frequent demonstrations of "independence" or "personality" or whatever you want to call it.

But challenges and all, she's one hell of a kid.

Eating: She eats three meals a day, plus about 4 bottles filled to the brim with whole milk. Breakfast is usually toast and/or fruit. Lunch and dinner are usually some variation of whatever we are having. The dog gets fed copious amounts of whatever it is I gave her.

Sleeping: We are (mostly) done with two naps a day already. She generally naps from about 11-2; sometimes her naps will last an hour, sometimes four. We roll with it. With the exception of the aforementioned nights from this past week, she will typically sleep 12-13 hours a night without making a single peep. Those nights are downright magical, and frankly they never stop feeling magical despite being the norm.

Pooping: We're still using cloth diapers primarily. She will always be in a disposable diaper at night and at the Y (they don't understand that they are essentially the same thing for anyone but the launderer), but other than that I try to stick with cloth as much as possible. She seems to poop an awful lot so I'm very grateful for the liners that catch most of it!

Playing: She is an explorer, as I'm sure every single 1 year old on the planet is. Nothing keeps her attention for very long as there is always something else nearby to get her hands on. She seems to like anything that Simon has in addition outlets, remotes, phones and books (of course not board books, but regular books that she can obliterate). She loves to make a mess. This seems to be her most favorite thing. Also, crawling into areas that are normally off limits make her cackle like nothing else. She loves to be naughty!

Mobility: She can and does walk, but very occasionally. This week was the first time she actually let go of something on her own and took a few steps to get to me. She is progressing extreeeeemely slowly...considering her first steps were taken 2 and a half months ago! What can I say, the girl loves to crawl.

Backpacking: I still wear her on my back for at least some portion of the day, every single day, usually when I'm trying to get dinner ready. I think "thank goodness for baby carriers" every time she's in it.

Teething: She has eight big, beautiful teeth. Four on top, four on the bottom. Seems to me she is in a constant state of teething so maybe more are going to be poking through soon? Her bottom teeth appear to sit in front of her top teeth a little so I think braces might be in our future.

Talking: It's hard to say what are real words, what are accidental words, and what she is just repeating. Uh-oh, dada, nigh-nigh, no, nana (banana), mama, bye bye, hi and whatsat (what's that) have all left her mouth at completely appropriate times on more than one occasion of her own volition and/or when asked to repeat. Uh-oh, dada, no and nigh-nigh are the most consistent (notice mama is not on this consistent list...sassy girl). The rest of the time she is a serious story teller. Church seems to be her most favorite place to tell comedic stories to herself.

Personality: She is getting a little more jovial in her old age. She used to be a little more serious and lately it seems like she thinks everything is funny. She is even smiling more easily at strangers surprisingly enough. There is nothing like watching a new personality start to emerge!

So there you have it. Cecilia is one!

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And during our photo shoot here was poor Simon, still fighting a fever...not a fun way to celebrate your sister's big day!