In the world of adoption, the word Mother has all kinds of derivatives and meanings. You have birth mother, adoptive mother, mom, mommy, momma, or as Simon likes to say, mumma.
When it comes to Cecilia Rose, I am fiercely protective of every last one of those outside of birth mother. When someone asks me about her "mother" I have to bite my tongue and refrain from correcting them because I know what they mean; I know they mean birth mother. So instead of being confrontational and awkward, I just use the phrase birth mother diligently and hope they get the hint.
And if not, I do understand even if I don't love it.
We heard from C's birth mother again today via mail. In the letter to Bryan and me she signed her name; in the card for Cecie, however, she signed it "Mommy." As much as I wish this didn't bother me, it does. It reminds me that Cecilia has more than one kind of mother and I want that perfect little peanut all to myself.
The more I get to know her, the less I want to share her.
This is what adoption is all about, I suppose. Nobody ever said it would be free of messiness and complications. Everybody just said we would love our baby no matter how she came to us and right they were. What I need to remember today is that Cecie is all that matters...not my emotions or insecurities and not E's either. What is right for Cecie is to maintain some level of contact with her birth mother so that is what we will continue to do, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes (I'm playing this on repeat in my head until I really believe it).
Besides, for all I know E is just as uncomfortable using Mommy but doesn't know what else to use right now. This is uncharted territory for all of us and we'll just have to figure it out in time.
{As a side note, thank God for Bryan. I cannot imagine going through any of this without him. There's really only room for one emotional being in every relationship.}
When it comes to Cecilia Rose, I am fiercely protective of every last one of those outside of birth mother. When someone asks me about her "mother" I have to bite my tongue and refrain from correcting them because I know what they mean; I know they mean birth mother. So instead of being confrontational and awkward, I just use the phrase birth mother diligently and hope they get the hint.
And if not, I do understand even if I don't love it.
We heard from C's birth mother again today via mail. In the letter to Bryan and me she signed her name; in the card for Cecie, however, she signed it "Mommy." As much as I wish this didn't bother me, it does. It reminds me that Cecilia has more than one kind of mother and I want that perfect little peanut all to myself.
The more I get to know her, the less I want to share her.
This is what adoption is all about, I suppose. Nobody ever said it would be free of messiness and complications. Everybody just said we would love our baby no matter how she came to us and right they were. What I need to remember today is that Cecie is all that matters...not my emotions or insecurities and not E's either. What is right for Cecie is to maintain some level of contact with her birth mother so that is what we will continue to do, even if it is a little uncomfortable sometimes (I'm playing this on repeat in my head until I really believe it).
Besides, for all I know E is just as uncomfortable using Mommy but doesn't know what else to use right now. This is uncharted territory for all of us and we'll just have to figure it out in time.
{As a side note, thank God for Bryan. I cannot imagine going through any of this without him. There's really only room for one emotional being in every relationship.}
Oh, did this post speak to me! I too always just say birth mother whenever replying to a person's questions, so I know how you feel! Also, what I tell myself when we get e-mails or cards signed mommy is that when the boys are older and do meet her for the first time, they aren't going to call her mommy; they're going to call her by her first name because they'd think it's weird to call her mommy. So just remember that when that day comes, Cecie will call her E, not mommy! :)
ReplyDelete-Jess
I'm sure this is a tough part of the process, but time is on your side and things will just sort of progress into something that is comfortable for your family. I would be defensive, just like you. Mother is a very important title..one you hold for Simon AND Cecilia.
ReplyDeletepw