Yesterday I was carrying Cecilia around in my Sleepy Wrap while baking muffins with Simon. At one point, Simon stopped what he was doing to touch her hair and give her a kiss...talk about making a mother's heart leap right out of her chest. As usual, a mix of Glee songs was on in the background and their version of Songbird by Fleetwood Mac came on. For some reason I really listened to the words and looked down at the little person so snug against me and there went my heart again.
For you, there'll be no more crying
For you, the sun will be shining
And I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right
To you, I'll give the world
To you, I'll never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right
And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
(ohhing)
And I wish you all the love in the world
But most of all, I wish it from myself
And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before, like never before,
like never before
--
I've loved her and truly felt like she belonged with us since day one, but I'll admit what I felt for her was different than it was with Simon. I didn't know her. I didn't feel her and see her through my own stretched skin. I didn't know if she would
really be ours, which was the biggest difference. When Simon was born, he was unquestionably ours and nobody else would ever be able to say that. Not so with Cecilia...we had to share her and will always have to share her to some degree. Every day, though, I've felt more and more connected to her and I don't know how I could feel any more connected to a baby I gave birth to. Those of you who have children know what I'm talking about when I say that when hold her I can feel that she's mine; I don't know how else to explain it.
This weekend, I started to feel like she was more ours than ever. On Saturday, the woman we will always share her with was holding her in front of me, and we both were aware that only one of us knew how CC likes to be held, what she cries like when she's hungry, that she smiles every day, that her hair turns into tight curls after a bath, that she hates tummy time, and the list goes on.
Yup, we met her birth mom face to face on Saturday.
I didn't tell anyone we planned to do this except my mom who babysat Simon for us. Our last encounter with E was the horrible phone call the night before she signed the papers so I was terrified and just didn't want to talk about it. I'm happy to report, though, that it went smoothly and I'm so glad we went. We spent over 2 hours with E. Tears ran down her face while holding Cecilia almost the whole time we were there. Amidst much silence, we did talk about many things. Mostly we just talked about what we all hoped for the future in regards to our relationship with each other. She wants a lot of involvement and we are not really opposed to that, but we want to take it slowly. We didn't want to make any promises and just want to see how it all plays out one day at a time. She seemed satisfied with that and said she hopes she can earn our trust as the years go by.
We will be able to tell Cecilia that when she was a month old her birth mother held her and kissed her and talked to her and called her nosy and told her she loved her and wanted nothing more than a good life for her; I'm so glad we can tell her these things from an actual experience, not just a guess. I'm so happy that fear didn't keep us away...
