SHOCKER! A Christmas Post :)

On the way home from Christmas in Appleton last night Simon fell asleep in the car. When we got home I carried him upstairs, put him in his bed and was punched in the gut with that overwhelming feeling of love that mothers get when they least expect it. I thought about the past couple of days and how much pure joy this kid has and how unbelievably LUCKY (!!!!!) we are to get to witness it.

And I was reminded of exactly why we haven't just accepted our fate and moved on as a family of three. I have more love to give and come hell or high water, some little person is going to be on the receiving end of that one day :)

Here's a glimpse into Christmas 2011:

My beautiful Grandma Ruth :)

Clara and Simon attacking Auntie Al for some unknown reason.

The kids passing the time in a room upstairs waiting for Santa to come with all the presents!

Grandma Berta said that Santa (aka Bryan dressed up in a full Santa suit) is outside so the kids are gearing up to see him.

When they saw "Santa" walking down the street waving at the window, the kids literally SCREAMED like mad.  So fun :)

This was Simon's reaction upon coming downstairs and seeing that Santa dropped off piles of gifts under the tree.

Our attempt at a cousins shot....poor Max just was not interested!

All the action. I LOVE Max's arm reaching up for Woody!

Helping Simon open one of the many toys he got.

Christmas Morning at our house.

He was so excited to go get batteries for his remote controlled helicopter that he got himself dressed...for summer.

I intervened and we got this cute little outfit!

Patiently waiting to open gifts with Grandma Mory, Grandpa Mike and Auntie Bree.

I hope everyone had a Very Merry Christmas!! :)

Truly, the worst of days

I haven't cried in a long time, but today I cried twice.

--

We got started with our consulting agency and the whole thing overwhelmed me so naturally I called a friend and started crying. My thoughts were racing: Can we really afford this? Will we be able to pay for our kid's college education if we do this? How long will we be in debt? Will it be worth it? When are we going to get picked? Why can't I just be happy with my one amazing child? WHY CAN'T I JUST F*&%&NG GET PREGNANT LIKE THE REST OF THE F*&%&NG WORLD?!

Excuse my French, but welcome to my bitter head from a few hours ago. I haven't bothered to get upset about my underachieving ovaries for quite some time now (hooray for me), but all the paperwork that lies ahead with this new adoption avenue had me all riled up. Yes, paperwork. Paperwork is really the root of my anger today....if only I had reliable fertility, boy would I be living the high life free of paperwork! The money part was there too, but it all stemmed from the damn paperwork.

Luckily my friend talked me off the ledge and I was able to get on with my day. I never stopped worrying about it all, though. It was like a shadow cast over this whole day that I couldn't shake.

--

While I was fretting about paperwork, something else in the world was happening and I had no idea.

A friend of mine fought the infertility giant for about a decade; they tried everything from Clomid to inseminations to IVF and everywhere in between. Finally in her early 40s they decided that enough was enough and they accepted that parenthood just was not in the cards.

And then at the age of 42 she became pregnant naturally.

Absolutely no offense to all of you who decide to have a baby and then actually get pregnant like 2 weeks later (WTF), but when someone like this friend gets pregnant it just seems sweeter somehow. All pregnancies are an absolute blessing of course, but I will always have a special place in my heart for pregnancies that didn't happen overnight for obvious reasons.

This is not happy story, though. This is a story that makes my heart and soul ache. I don't care if it's your 20th baby or it took you 10 years or 10 minutes to get pregnant...a baby delivered without a heartbeat at 22 weeks is something nobody should ever experience. The added injustice of a surprise pregnancy after 10 years of trying is almost too much to bear...

Hug your kids.
Count your blessings.
Say a prayer.
:(

{A Real} Update

Apparently all I needed to do was write a bitter blog and...POOF...answers!

I am not surprised to announce that the birth mom has disappeared. The agency down in TX has been trying to get in touch with her but has gotten no response, so we are going to assume this means she has changed her mind and had a bad day a couple weeks ago (I don't know who would have such a bad day with their kid that they would go as far as to meet with an adoption agency, but whatever).

Happily, I can say that I'm not too torn up about this and didn't lose much sleep over it in the first place. I just couldn't see someone actually handing over their 8 month old.

Now onto the consulting agency; hopefully it will help get Baby Girl home faster. I'm ready to start posting about the ups and downs of babyhood rather than the ups and downs of finding her in the first place!

Update

Just kidding! Of course there is no update....why would we get an update in a timely manner? After all, it is the Christmas season so what better a way to say "Merry Christmas" than with complete silence and refusal to return calls or emails.

If the 8 month old in question is going to another family or, more likely, staying with her original family that is just fine. Even if they don't know yet, that is fine. My social worker ignoring me, however, is not fine.

I am annoyed.

"O Christmas Tree"

And when the song O Christmas Tree came on while we were decorating, Simon said "This is the perfect song!" Accurate statement :)

Boy's First Christmas Program

The evening started with an outfit. It just so happened that we received this sweater as a hand-me-down the day before and it was adorable...

We got to Holy Cross Preschool, dropped him off with his teacher and went to the church to grab a seat. After a few minutes the kids started to walk down the aisle one by one to a story. We had Mary, Joseph, a little one carrying a Baby Jesus (so cute), etc.

Then came the Simon the Shepherd. I had no clue he was going to be wearing a costume or holding a giant stick (yes, they let a three year old boy hold a stick twice his size). We were less than half way from the back and as soon as he saw Grandma Mory he just stopped dead in his tracks and said loudly, "Grandma Mory!" and tried to go by her. He stopped the progression for what felt like forever and I could feel my face turning bright red, but eventually we were able to coax him up the rest of the aisle and my face went back to its regular shade. Everyone seemed to get a chuckle out of it :)

Then 40 three to five year olds started singing a variety of Christmas songs. Right away Simon got poked in the eye with a star by the kid next to him, but he held himself together and didn't cry or run away thankfully. He sang along for the most part and only got distracted when they gave the kids lights during Silent Night (the light went in his mouth, on his eye, etc.). On occasion, he did stop to roll his eyes around, puff out his cheeks and make goofy faces to prove he wasn't paying attention, but he always found his way back.

After the performance everyone gathered to mingle and eat Christmas cookies. It was at this point when Simon lost his effing mind and went crazy. He didn't want just any cookie. He didn't want to be by just anyone. He didn't want to take a picture with Mrs. Hanson. He didn't want to wear his coat outside. He didn't want to walk to the car.

So Bryan wrangled a thrashing, coatless kid to the car who promptly stiffened and refused to get buckled in. Simon was laughing like a MANIAC through this whole thing which meant I only made it  halfway through a 1-2-3 threat before having to stop to regain my own composure (not effective parenting if you're wondering).

He was threatening to unbuckle the whole way home, but waited until we got in the garage. The SECOND the car stopped he was unbuckled and on Bryan's lap in the driver's seat. I am not kidding. It was like some crazy ninja move and we were both taken by surprise (it had me wondering if there was crack in that Oreo he ate).


I won't even get into what bedtime looked like....let's just say he must have been overwhelmed by the evening and did not know how to cope. But now he's sleeping. Phew.

{And for coming, thank you Grandma Ruth, Auntie Al, Grandma Berta, Grandpa Jimmy and especially Grandma Mory and Grandpa Mike for driving an hour and a half just to see it!}

Party time

1 kid went to bed earlier than the rest.
1 kid took a bath (and it wasn't her house...HA!).
1 kid had a hard time putting his slime down all night.
1 kid had green frosting pretty much up to his eyeballs.
1 kid finished her whole decorated cookie faster than the rest.
1 kid had so much fun he puked, but he made it to the bathroom. 
1 kid got the carrot on Frosty's nose just right, even with her eyes covered.
1 kid played with a ton with a toy and finally gave her parents a Christmas idea.
0 kids cried. 0 kids fought. I'm pretty sure even 0 kids whined.
Success.

I could only get 2 kids to look my direction...someone else must have the money shot! 

 

Stocking full of smiles

A tablespoon of drama

Lately I've wavered back and forth between feeling very at peace with a lengthy adoption wait and feeling like I should be doing something to help it along. More often than not, I'm feeling both at the same time somehow: I'm happy waiting, but would like to at least try to speed it up somehow.

So with the referral of a friend, we looked into employing a consulting firm to help our chances. They would put us in front of many more birth families which would naturally just increase our odds. It seemed like a great idea so I printed out the application form, filled it out and had it sitting on my table just waiting for Bryan to look at it before we sent it in.

And then...

THEN!

Then I got a call from our social worker asking us if we would like to be presented to a Texas family with an 8 month old they are looking to find a permanent home for. I don't have many details so I'm not going to speculate on their family situation too much, but for whatever reason they feel they cannot provide this little girl with a stable life.

I actually feel extremely calm about it; I'm shocked at the lack of anxiety I'm feeling in general. Is it possible I actually learned something from the last time this happened?! It appears so :) In any case, we would love to give this child a home but we know we simply may not get picked and that is okay.

In the meantime, I guess we are going to delay the consulting by a couple of weeks and if this chica isn't meant to be ours we'll at least have a great back up plan to help find The One eventually.

Happy St. Nick's!

Blast from the past

Yes, those are tiny roller skates on Simon's feet! It was a first for him and the first for me in about 15 years. It's amazing how a roller rink apparently doesn't change. I'd never even been to this particular one, but it was exactly like I remember it. Even the smell brought me right back to middle school :)

It took a little practice, but ultimately Simon did a pretty good job on those skates and was trying to do tricks and jumps while he was holding our hands. After a while he wanted to be independent and wouldn't hold anyone's hands, and he actually only wiped out a couple of times!

 

 God, I love his face...

He was very interested in all the video games there. I'm not really into guns, but it seemed like a funny photo opp:

In case you're wondering where we are and why at this point, this was a free event sponsored by the Catholic Knights (I think) in Appleton. Bryan's parents are members and they've been throwing this annual Christmas party for decades. This was the first year my mother in law has been able to coerce Bryan back to this event since his days of begrudgingly going as a teenager :) This day, the whole family was there, though...I think it made my mother in law happy!

Sadly, I did not win the limbo contest. HOWEVER, I should have gotten a consolation prize for being easily both the tallest and the oldest participant! 

Simon got a present painted on his hand, decorated a cookie, won raffle prizes and got a candy cane from Santa. Not a bad little morning for a 3 year old...and a 30 year old :)

Belief

My mom believes that our baby has been conceived. She's been right about these things before, so I'm hoping this is one of those times. If she is here by May/June my mom will say she must have been right....if the baby is chubby among other things, my mom will have been right about that too :)

While the unknown of all of this eats away at me a little, the truth is that day to day we are fine and dandy over here. We're just doing our thing.

Life's pretty easy with one kid who is almost 4 years old. On particularly easy days, I kind of think that having a healthy dose of infertility and beans that just wouldn't stick were a strange kind of blessing. Without the bum uterus, said days would not be as enjoyable in theory. Of course, if I had sticky beans and properly functioning lady parts I'm sure I would have plenty of wonderful days and moments with two or more kids, but that's just not my reality. My reality is enjoying life with one, waiting for a phone call and staying sane in the meantime. I like to think I'm doing a reasonably good job.

Trying to get pregnant = tears, tears and more tears inside of big giant tears that never seem to want to stop falling. Waiting for a phone call = no tears. Seems like it was a good choice! Now I just have to keep my patience hat firmly in place and keep riding it out until that chubby little thing makes her debut :)