Several decisions surrounding this adoption are weighing very heavy on us as we get closer and closer to the start of our official wait. Some of these decisions seem like they should be easy, but trust me...they're not. I don't know what is right. I don't know how to decide.
For one issue in particular, Bryan and I both know what we really want and luckily it's the same thing, but logically it doesn't make sense. At a certain point, either logic or heart is going to prevail but right now I don't know where the cards will fall. "Heart" is the obvious answer, but it's just not that simple. I've been going back and forth for weeks about this and for some reason I cannot get settled. Just when I think I'm all set, something will trigger me to change my mind and the same thing seems to be happening to the hubs.
The truth? I'm not proud of what I really want. In fact, I'm opposite of proud. I'm pretty much ashamed of it. But do I shame myself into making a decision that is perhaps not right for us? Conversely, if I'm not proud of it doesn't that say something? Maybe we'll love this little girl no matter what choices lead us to her? Or what if we make a choice that leads to regret and more than we were prepared to handle?
I want to scream or cry or hide.
I realize that there are bigger issues in the world right now which makes me feel even worse for whining about this, but reality is that whatever we decide will impact our little family forever and that actually is a very big deal.
How do you make big choices in life? How do you sort through what is right for you?
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