Saturday, February 9, 2013

5 beans

I'm putting this out there because I've been pretty open about my fertility woes and today I have a doozy to share (besides, most people who read this probably already know anyways).

I was supposed to have a procedure done on Thursday to try figuring out some of my reflux problems so on Wednesday night I decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure. I have a history of being addicted to pregnancy tests (seriously, they are my drug) and while my addiction has much less of a pull on me these days I still pee on those little sticks every so often...just to be sure. Well, for the first time in years it was a big, bold positive. Four tests at home and blood work confirmed it to to be true. Unfortunately, the blood test also confirmed that my progesterone was dangerously, ridiculously, comically low. I got on supplements right away, but to no avail. Without having more blood work done, I can say with confidence that I am pregnant no longer.

So here are my positive spins:

1) I got to see a positive pregnancy test, which I figured I would never see again. That's a serious win. I looked at those tests about a thousand times, relishing in their meaning. They made me feel a little less defective as a human being.

2) I know that all it takes for me to get emotionally over a miscarriage is a few hours now. Practice makes perfect, right?

3) Similar to the others, we only had a few days to be excited. For that I am eternally thankful. If it's going to end anyway, might as well have it end quickly. Bandaid style.

4) I now have a 10 day supply of progesterone supplements so if I ever do get pregnant again I can start dosing up immediately and not have to wait on test results to get rolling.

5) We now know how we really feel about having three kids, which is about the same as it was before so this experience was kind of unnecessary in figuring that out, but whatever. Bottom line is that we will welcome another baby happily and with open arms, but hell if I'm going to invite this bull shit in on purpose. If it knocks on our door again, we'll answer and leave it at that.

So there are my top 5 positive spins on what was a completely useless experience. One for each little bean we never got to meet.

I love each of you, wish I could have met you, wish I could have figured out how to help you thrive, wish this number would stop climbing. Maybe you're all together somewhere rooting for the next one? Maybe we'll meet in another life.

Cue up the tears, one final time.


  1. I'm happy that you've found a few things to be happy about in all this. That's very brave. Lean on friends and family and remember to feel whatever you need to feel right now. Lots of love and happy thoughts for you.

  2. You have such strength. And I like your positive spins. Enjoy being skinny & not puking so hard you pee your pants :) Love you & keep pushing forward!


  3. These experiences in no way mean you are defective as a human being! And yes, they are waiting for you and rooting on the next one. That is my sincere belief. And I am very, very sorry!