Today I feel defeated. Not because of what happened exactly, but because of its lingering effect on me. I spent years stressing about infertility and I can honestly say that I was OVER it. I truly didn't care anymore. I accepted my fate. I was happy.
I feel like I've been transported back to 2010, to a time I never wanted to think about again much less revisit. Yet here I sit, wondering why this all happened, wondering what I could have done to fix it, what I can do in the future to fix it, spending way too much time "researching" online. Will it be another year before I see another positive test? Two years? Ever?
Do I even care?
It appears I lied yesterday when I said all it took was a few hours to get over it. I'm not in hysterics over here, but it's definitely on my mind and probably will be for a bit. I just have to try to get back to normal and hope that I can get back to that place where I just didn't care. I don't want to be angry or sad about it. I don't want to be anything about it, exactly how I was a week ago.
I have hope I can accomplish this....Cecilia getting up super early only to cry about everything and anything and then puke all over me is really helping me to be happy with just two little yahoos :)
I feel like I've been transported back to 2010, to a time I never wanted to think about again much less revisit. Yet here I sit, wondering why this all happened, wondering what I could have done to fix it, what I can do in the future to fix it, spending way too much time "researching" online. Will it be another year before I see another positive test? Two years? Ever?
Do I even care?
It appears I lied yesterday when I said all it took was a few hours to get over it. I'm not in hysterics over here, but it's definitely on my mind and probably will be for a bit. I just have to try to get back to normal and hope that I can get back to that place where I just didn't care. I don't want to be angry or sad about it. I don't want to be anything about it, exactly how I was a week ago.
I have hope I can accomplish this....Cecilia getting up super early only to cry about everything and anything and then puke all over me is really helping me to be happy with just two little yahoos :)
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